This article is a version of the video transcript. AI has been used to remove pauses and clean the text.
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I Didn’t Have a Father Growing Up, But God Redeemed Everything
My name is Joe, and this is my true story.
When I was two years old, my mother brought me and my brother to San Diego from Arkansas after separating from my dad. Shortly after, we lost my dad to suicide. Growing up without a father in a single mom household, I didn't realize how hard it was. You just go through the motions.
All my friends and I had one thing in common: none of us had dads. So we tried to figure out this life thing together. We played hard, worked hard, did sports, but they got me into drugs and alcohol. For all the drinking and drugs I did, it didn't change the emptiness inside. It never gave me purpose or direction, which was something I desperately wanted. I wanted a man to show me how to be a man, how to make decisions. I never had it, so it was just guessing and checking in life.
Relationship and Abortions
When I was 19, my girlfriend and I got pregnant. I remember taking her to Wendy's for the pregnancy test. When it came back positive, she asked, "What are we going to do about this?" I said, "We're going to take care of it" - meaning abortion.
I didn't want to be a dad. I was a scared kid who never had a father. How could I be one? We had the abortion and stayed together. When she got pregnant again, it was even easier - just a reflex. "Here's the money, I'll see you when you get home."
We didn't talk about either abortion. We just got hard and emotionally disconnected, which built bitterness and resentment. Coupled with two broken people who drank and partied, it got ugly - cheating, abuse, hatred. We broke up after the second abortion, but six months later she called asking me to pay for another abortion with a different guy. I said yes immediately, thinking she was the last person who should have a kid.
Those things you don't talk about - they just make you hard.
The Turning Point
By 25, at a New Year's Eve party in San Diego, I looked around at people doing drugs, getting drunk, hooking up, and thought, "Is this really what I want from my life? I'm supposed to be better than this." That was the last time I smoked weed. I purposed in my heart to make changes, though I didn't know what that looked like.
My brother had moved to Wisconsin and gotten saved. He was on fire, trying to tell everyone about God. I told him, "Shut up. I don't want Jesus. You're weak. He's your crutch. I don't need a crutch."
Then my brother got jumped at a bar in Milwaukee and beaten badly. He stopped answering his phone, and we'd been calling for hours. My brother was my best friend - growing up the way we did, him and my mom were all I had.
My First Real Prayer
That was the first time I actually got on my knees and prayed to the God of the Bible specifically. "God of the Bible, if you're real, I need to see you. I need to know you're real. I don't want to lose my brother."
Before I even finished that prayer, it came to me - my friend's brother lived in Wisconsin and his girlfriend was an EMT. They could check on him. I drove around to clear my head and ended up at a church doing a car wash. These guys came up asking to pray for me. I started crying and said yes. They prayed and gave me a sunflower - my mom's favorite flower.
When I got home, my mom already had a sunflower. The same church had been going door to door offering prayers. While they were there, the cops called - they'd found my brother. He was fine, just had a bad headache and was ignoring his phone.
That's when everything came together. These weren't coincidences anymore. I told God, "Okay, you have my attention now. You're real."
Finding the Light
I was taking classes at University of Phoenix and there was this girl in my literature class. I'd never seen anyone with a light like what she had. I thought, "I want that." She went to church. Maybe that’s why she was so different. I decided to go to the church that had prayed for me.
I don't remember the sermon, but I remember what my pastor said at the end about Jesus dying for me because God wants a relationship with me. That wrecked me to my core. My dad had killed himself - he didn't want a relationship with me. But the God of the universe would do the opposite and die for me to be with me. That blew me away.
At a young adult convention, while worshiping to "How He Loves Us," I heard God speak: "Joey, I love you." When I kept responding "Yes, Lord, I love you," he kept saying "No Joey, I love you." I fell to my knees crying harder than I'd ever cried, overwhelmed by his presence and love. I came up from that moment saying, "Whatever you want me to do, Lord, I'm gonna do it. My life is yours."
God's Provision
Someone from church told me about a discipleship school. I enrolled without money, trusting God. For over two years, I didn't work to pay for any of it. Tens of thousands of dollars that God miraculously provided through people from church writing checks. Growing up with a single mom and two boys, you don't have a lot. But God just kept showing up and taking care of us. I never felt that taken care of before.
The Stumble
After Bible school, I met a girl at church - a single mom coming off divorce. God was clearly telling me to be patient and wait, but we didn't, and we also stumbled. It got messy and when we broke up, losing her and her daughter was the first real rejection I'd faced as a Christian. It brought back childhood feelings and I started drinking heavily again.
At Bible school, I'd served dinner at a fundraiser for a pregnancy resource center. The guest speaker was Gianna Jessen, an abortion survivor disfigured from a saline abortion. That's when I was first confronted with the truth: abortion kills a human being. And I had paid for three of them. I had two of my children killed.
One night, sitting on my couch hurting from rejection and shame, I wanted to kill myself. I picked up my shotgun and sat with it. One voice said, "Do it. It's what your dad did. You're just like your dad." But God's voice asked, "Were the last three years with me real?" I said, "Yeah, it was real." That was it - no other words needed.
The Path to Healing
A Christian brother told me about Life Skills International - a 30-week program, like group therapy but Christian-based. You go through everything in your life. I didn't realize how much I hated my dad for the abandonment and rejection. Through that process, I forgave him and all the adults I'd been blaming. I didn't realize what a block that hatred had been, preventing me from seeing God the Father as my Father.
The director worked with me about my abortions for weeks, encouraging me to ask God for names for my kids. I got names and he helped me grieve and get closure. It was so freeing.
God's Restoration
I was so thankful for that pregnancy resource center. I didn’t know what place a man had in the pro-life movement, but I wanted to help. Eventually, they asked me to run their banquet. Before the fall 2016 banquet, I met the girl who's now my wife. I'm so thankful for the path God took me to get to her - all the healing, the brokenness, the mistakes, but also the amazing teachers he put around me.
She had two kids from a previous marriage. I'd had abortions because I thought, "How can I be a dad if I've never seen one?" That wasn't a hindrance anymore with these kids. To go from someone who aborted his kids, never thinking he'd have his own, to having two amazing kids - God's kindness is too good.
My Advice
Honestly, you've got to start with reading your Bible, man. People can give you advice, and they're going to. But you've got to reject feelings and emotion and honestly, just lean on the Bible. It's the only thing that really is true. Your friends have ideas and good intentions - God bless them - but good intentions can really lead you to hell.
Find someone to disciple you. Follow the Word of God. Whatever you decide to do in life outside of that, honor him. But if you get those two right and you get someone good to disciple you, man, it saves so much headache. And when they give you advice, take the advice.
If you're looking for healing, especially from abortion, there's an organization called Deeper Still International, and they are international. You can go to Deeper Still.org to find the local chapter. It's blessed by God, an incredible ministry, and it's changing lives.
Final Word
God was the same when my dad took his life in December of 1986. He was the same when I got saved and I was 26. He was constant with us through everything we've gone through in our marriage. When I wanted to put a shotgun to my face, he was always gentle and patient. He always provided a way for provision, for learning, for correction.
God uses broken people like me to show how good he is. It's amazing.