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I Had All The Friends, Girls, & Parties I Wanted, But Still Felt Empty
This is my true story of how God brought me through childhood trauma and rescued me from a life of drinking, drugs, and hooking up to show me the incredible life that awaited me with Jesus!
My Childhood
When I was about to turn four years old, on Christmas morning, my father passed away. From that moment, my biological mom didn't know how to handle the situation, so she turned to drugs and drinking.
My brother and I did whatever we wanted. At the same time, I was dealing with severe anger issues because of what was happening in my childhood. I was angry all the time. I literally chased my neighbors and friends with baseball bats because I was so mad at them. My mom started struggling even more.
She decided she needed help. This time, she was going to treatment for a whole year. During that year, we stayed with a local Christian family. I was probably about five at this point in my life, and they welcomed us with so much love and made us feel comfortable.
Forced to Return
After that year with them, my mom wanted us back after she completed treatment. My brother and I didn't want to go back with her. We had to meet with counselors who literally forced us, by government mandate, to move back in with my biological mother. That was a really traumatic, difficult period. I remember her picking us up, and we were bawling because we didn't want to leave that family. We were forced to move back in with her.
She got a new boyfriend, and we were living in a lake house. We had everything we wanted at that point, but they argued constantly. My brother and I tried to have fun while they gave us snowmobiles, dirt bikes, and other things to help us cope with what was actually happening behind the scenes. That was a rough time. They eventually broke up after all the arguing.
For the next three years, my brother, my mom, and I house-hopped from place to place as our mom tried to keep us alive. She kept getting worse and worse. I remember one Christmas morning when I was really young—this is when I started to understand that things weren't okay. Our mom didn't even wrap our Christmas gifts or get us presents on Christmas morning. I thought, "Something is wrong." That was my first instinct. I could sense in my spirit that something wasn't okay and that she was struggling.
I remember being at that house when the cops showed up while my mom was passed out on the couch. I started screaming at the cops, loudly yelling, "No, she's fine!" They sat me down, and then we were kicked out of that house.
That was a period of my life when I didn't understand what was happening. I was seven or eight. She lost her parental rights for theft and other offenses. That's when we got adopted by the local Christian family when I was ten years old.
Finding Home
I got to experience the true love of what family is about. During that time, I slept constantly because I was finally resting from everything I'd been through. They welcomed me in that and just let me rest. That made me feel like I belonged, like I was loved and safe with them, because I didn't understand what safety even was or what a normal family should look like. When I was brought into that family, it became real to me that I was where I was supposed to be. This is what family actually looks like.
Throughout my childhood, we'd go to a Christian church camp once a year, and I felt at home there. I was encountered by this presence, and I didn't know what it was, but I wanted more of it. I felt like a child in that moment—safe and protected. Even during worship, I would be encountered by God, just weeping. I couldn't understand what was happening because I was so young, but I knew there was something different about it. I knew there was something out there, that there was something I'm on this earth for. I just didn't understand what it was yet. That camp became like my home, a place that I loved so much, and I would encounter God every year there.
The Struggle Begins
After my mom got arrested, and fast-forwarding through middle school, in eighth grade I gave my life to Jesus. I got baptized at the church camp after deciding to pursue Jesus. I wanted Him, and I knew that He was real. That's when it became real to me: "Wow, Jesus is real. He loves me." I wanted to follow Him. But I didn't read my Bible and didn't understand how to follow Jesus. I was like, "Yeah, I love this guy, but how do I follow Him?"
Then through high school, leading into my sophomore year, I carried a lot of trauma, hurt, and pain. I didn't understand how to deal with it. I was also still curious about what this world had to offer. Sophomore year, I started partying a little, drinking and smoking. I didn't even understand that I was sinning against God, that getting drunk was bad, and that smoking was bad.
Fast forward to my junior year, when I started partying even more. I started hooking up with girls and was running from a lot. That year I began to understand that what I was doing was actually abusing God's grace and that there was so much more freedom available to me, but I wouldn't pursue it. I was so half in and half out with God that I couldn't give Him my full yes. That led to a lot of hurt that year.
After junior year, we went back to church camp. Here we go again. I was on fire for God. I was encountered. I gave Him my all again. Then I left church camp and completely forgot about God.
Identity Crisis
Senior year of high school rolled around. I placed my identity so much in hockey and lacrosse and sports in general. If the sport wasn't satisfying me, I wasn't happy. If I wasn't playing well, I wasn't happy. If I didn't score, I wasn't happy. My mood revolved completely around sports. In senior year of high school, we had hockey tryouts, and I got cut from the hockey team out of nowhere. It made no sense to me and made no sense to anyone. But I got cut, and that completely shattered me. I was wrecked and confused about why I got cut. There went my whole identity. I had placed my entire identity in sports, and now it was gone. I thought, "What do I do now?"
That's when I decided it would be a good idea to get into a really toxic relationship. It wasn't healthy. It just wasn't good. I fell into a lot of sin, and it wasn't what the Lord wanted me to step into, but I did it anyway.
I started smoking heavily during that time. That season, I got caught by my parents ripping a cart—marijuana—in the basement. They smelled it, came down, and took it from me. I had to have a difficult conversation with my parents about it. I was honest about what I'd been doing through high school and what I'd been following. I had been hiding my partying and everything for about two years of my life. They had no idea. In that moment, they found out exactly what I'd been doing. That was hard and definitely caused trust issues between my parents and me.
The Quest for Fulfillment
Senior summer rolled around after that hockey season, and I was partying pretty hard again. I thought, "All right, here we go. Senior summer. Let's go crazy. Let's go crazy at these parties. Let's drink and smoke. Let's hook up with girls. Who can get the hottest girl? Let's do it." I was on this quest to find fulfillment in it, but it was leading me to so much hurt and pain.
The Lord started to radically discipline me. One night when I was extremely high and drunk, my buddies and I were ding-dong-ditching in a ghillie suit, and I accidentally jumped into a poison ivy bush. Two days later, I started getting poison ivy. It started covering me. I got hives everywhere from my head to my toes and was intensely itchy. I couldn't even open my eyes—they were so swollen. Poison ivy pus was gushing out of my face. I had to take three ice baths a day because I was burning up and sweating.
While I was taking an ice bath, my friend sent me a podcast about how Jesus disciplines the one He loves. That was an awakening for me. My friend had no idea what was happening. He didn't even know what I was doing in life, but he just randomly sent it to me. The Lord was saying, "Yeah, I'm disciplining you, Alex, because I love you and I have greater plans for you, but you have to step into it and trust Me." In that moment I thought, "Yeah, that's true." But I was still prideful. I was still holding onto that 10% that I needed to give to God.
College and Continued Struggle
I went to church camp two weeks after that, and I was on fire again. I thought, "Let's go. This is going to be so good." But I knew in my heart I was going to a college that partied a lot, and that wasn't going to lead me to life. I was still going to go there. I was still holding back from the Lord. I wasn't giving Him my full yes. That's dangerous.
As soon as I got to college, I thought, "Here we go." I was surrounded by all these people who were partying and drinking. I thought, "Oh, I'm just going to start doing this again." I started partying harder than ever. I started drinking more than ever. I started smoking every single night, trying to fill this void in my heart, and it was leading to so much hurt. My friends were getting hurt by how I was treating them. It started breaking my heart.
I remember walking one day, reflecting. I thought, "Wow, I have all the friends I want. I have all these cool friends, I have these girls, I have everything. But there's something missing in my heart." I prayed, "Jesus, there's got to be more. There's got to be more than this. I can't keep doing this. There's got to be more." I remember that so clearly.
The Breaking Point
That weekend, I partied extremely hard—harder than I'd ever partied. Two days after that weekend, I had a severe anxiety attack. I'd never had anxiety before, and I had a really bad anxiety attack. In the midst of it, I cried out to Jesus. I said, "Jesus, I'll do whatever it takes to follow You." In the midst of that, peace fell upon me. I slept peacefully for the first time in so long that night, and I thought, "Wow, this guy actually really loves me."
That's when it became real to me—what He did on the cross is real. I woke up the next day and went back home because I needed to get away from that school for a week. I went back home, and that's when the Lord revealed His love to me. He said, "Alex, what I did on that cross was for you. I bled. I poured My blood out for you for the forgiveness of your sins. Alex, I literally died on that cross, defeating death. Your sin is death, and I paid that for you. And not only that, but I defeated death by rising three days later from the dead so that you can walk in a new life."
He said, "Alex, are you going to choose life, or are you going to keep going back to sin that's going to lead to destruction and death? Alex, you have a clear choice. Are you going to choose the narrow road that leads to life, or are you going to choose this other path that's wide, that many people are on, but that just leads to destruction?" I said, "Jesus, I want to choose the path of life, and I choose You."
A New Direction
The Lord told me Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." I thought, "Okay, I just have to keep seeking. I have to keep fixing my eyes on Him. I have to keep denying myself daily. And out of that, He's going to lead me and guide me."
I transferred to a Christian university that semester. I took a huge leap of faith and transferred. The freshman motto was "Leave the 99." Jesus actually left the 99 for me to bring me out of that pit I was in, to bring me into a new life with Him where I was able to run freely with Him.
As soon as I started turning away from partying and turning to the One who made the world, He started to fulfill me more than I can even express. He made it so real to me that His presence is enough, that He is enough, that what He did on the cross is more than enough. I was so madly in love with Him.
I started to pursue the Lord fully after that. I was still swearing and cussing and still had a lot of anger. But I had to deny myself daily, and I kept asking the Lord to renew my mind day in and day out. "Lord, renew my mind, renew me, I need You." Over that season, I slowly stopped swearing. I started loving people more. I didn't have anger toward people. It was blowing my mind. I thought, "How is this God doing this? How am I being so renewed right now in my mind?" I came to Him as I was, and He completely cleaned me up and brought me freedom.
Reconciliation and Healing
That summer, Jesus said, "Alex, it's time to meet with your biological mother." I thought, "What? I haven't seen her in ten years." He said, "I'm with you. Don't worry, don't stress. I'm with you, Alex."
At a Sunday church service, I cried for three hours straight, just letting everything out to the Lord. He was radically healing so much trauma and pain from the past. I didn't even know what I was crying about, but I was letting out all these emotions.
That Monday, I was meeting with my biological mother. I woke up that Monday with the most peace I have ever felt in my entire life. It felt like the Lord was holding my hand. Jesus said, "Alex, think about how many times you've sinned and fallen short against Me. But I still loved you. I still forgave you. Alex, that's what I want you to think about your mom. Love her and choose love."
I literally had no anger toward her. I had nothing against her. I was able to see her beautifully as a beloved child of God. It was truly beautiful. It was a really healing time, just catching up with her.
She's two and a half years sober now, which is a miracle from God. She literally heard the gospel of Jesus from a jail cell. She was in jail for seven or eight months, and that's when Jesus became real to her. She was able to find sobriety for two and a half years after running to Jesus. Jesus is the only way we can find freedom in any struggle we're in. Jesus is the answer.
Called to Mission
I went back to school on fire for God. He allowed me to host a revival night where I was able to testify to people. Two people got baptized, and it was amazing. I had so many highs pursuing the Lord. Then when those highs started leaving and suffering happened, I thought, "Okay, this Christianity thing isn't cute anymore. There actually is going to be suffering." Jesus was testing my faith. He asked, "Alex, are you going to keep following Me even when things are hard?" I kept saying yes.
He started to speak to me about missions and ministry and His heart for this generation. I was at college doing school, but outside of college, I was seeing people give their lives to Jesus left and right. I thought, "Lord, why am I here? I love seeing people give their lives to Jesus. I like that a lot more."
Then He spoke to me about California and getting in a van and literally just going to California, taking a leap of faith. He spoke that over me through prophetic dreams. I went to Hawaii for ten days, and my prophetic dream became real. The Lord said, "All right, you need to text this certain pastor." We started getting connected. The Lord placed a van in my life and sent me to California to start revival here. Now the Lord is doing so much.
Revival and Purpose
It's been amazing how the Lord has been guiding me every step of the way as I keep saying yes to Him and hearing His voice. The more we sit with Him, the more we read His Word, the clearer His voice becomes to us.
I've seen over 70 people give their lives to Jesus in the past week. That's just God. We've done revival nights recently for Run With Christ and a ministry called California Will Be Saved, where mass movements of God are happening right now. People are so desperate for more. People are so broken, and they're coming to the understanding that this world will never satisfy them and that there's something greater that can. They're actually seeking for more. When you seek Him, you'll find Him. When you seek Him and He encounters you with His presence, you will never be the same again, and your life will be radically changed.
My Advice
If you're half in and half out with the Lord right now, there's so much more for you to step into. It's about letting Him actually work and humbling ourselves at His feet. "Jesus, show me You're real. I want to encounter Your presence." It's about being humble with Him and seeking Him in that way. He's going to encounter you with His presence, and you're not going to be the same.
If you're drowning in sin and brokenness and trying to find true fulfillment in drinking and smoking and sex and all of that, just know that's temporary. That's not going to fully satisfy you. There's so much more for you to step into with Jesus, because Jesus is the only one who can truly satisfy what you're searching for. He loves you so much. You can come to Him as you are, and He'll clean you up. You don't have to worry about how you're going to change. When you surrender to Him, laying everything down at His feet, He's going to meet you in that, and He's going to bring you so much life and change.
He can take any broken mess and make it completely beautiful, as He's done in my life. He took my brokenness, and I ran to Him, and He completely fixed it and made it beautiful.
If you feel like you're too broken for Jesus, just know that He didn't die for 50% of your sins or 80% of your sins. No, He died for 100% of your sins. He poured His blood out for you for the forgiveness of your sins so that you can have a new life and have victory with Him.
I encourage you to seek Him and find out for yourself. Get connected to a church, get connected to people who will show the love of Christ to you. When you see people who love Jesus so much and out of that they love you the same, you're going to be different. You'll change. It's incredibly important to surround yourself with that community.
When you experience the love of God, and you experience His presence and it becomes so real to you, be captivated by His love and activated to go out and spread the good news of the gospel. Tell them what Jesus has done for you, about how real Jesus is, about what He did on the cross. Tell them the gospel—that He died for your sins and rose again in victory so that we can have eternal hope in Him.
The faith walk is hard. It's not easy. There is suffering. I'd be lying if I said, "Oh yeah, when you follow Jesus, it's going to be cute, sunshine and rainbows." No, it gets hard. It gets really hard. But for the joy set before Him, He endured the cross. So we can joyfully be on this earth, having joy in this suffering, knowing that there's eternal life. This perfect man, Jesus, didn't even complain, but He joyfully died on the cross for us because He loves us. He literally endured one of the most brutal deaths in history for us so that we could have freedom in Him. He did it joyfully so we can be joyful in suffering.
As we walk in His presence, there's fullness of joy, so we can literally be joyful and have fun knowing that we're already seated with the Father at His right hand. Our names are written in heaven. Now we can grab people on this earth and bring them to heaven and tell them about the good news. Just keep reaching them and saying, "Hey, this Jesus guy radically changed my life. Here's what He can do in yours." It's going to create this fire and ripple effect of the good news and what Jesus has done.
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