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My Journey from Ministry to Madness and Back: Evan's Story

The Search for Meaning

When I was a kid, my mom started taking me to church when I was in fifth grade. My parents divorced at a young age, but there was never any mention of spiritual things or church. I asked my father what the meaning of life was, and he told me that men lived to acquire things. So I thought I should grow up and have houses and toys.

I started going in that path. I searched and really jumped headlong into drugs and alcohol for experiences.

There was a big fight at a party. I ended up getting jumped. My dad asked me what I was going to do about it. He grabbed a baseball bat and we went to this house - just carnage. Kicked the door open, did all this crazy stuff.

I woke up the next morning and my head was stuck to my pillow because I had gotten my head cracked open, and the blood had stuck to the pillow. As I was trying to pull this pillow off I just heard this voice that said, "there's a better way."

First Encounter with God

I remembered this card that somebody gave me for Set Free Ministries. I get to this ranch in the desert of Cabazon, and it's nothing like I expected. There's no animals. It's basically some trailers out in the middle of the desert.

But the Lord was teaching me something - don't despise small beginnings because it was there that I was actually going to have an encounter with God. He was going to give me a vision to be a pastor, and to do just some huge things in my life.

Some people heed the voice of God the first time, some people need a little bit louder voice, and some people need God to speak into the megaphone. And there's some people that just need to be beat with a two by four. I was the guy that just needed to be broken.

I find myself in county jail. I was drinking and driving and had gotten in a serious accident. God allowed me to wander right into my first ministry - a Bible study in Orange County jail started with a homie who was a Serrano Mexican and another guy who couldn't even read.

God had just started doing miracles. I was just hooked on Jesus, man. The Bible study grows to 64 guys. Every single person in the pod was affected by this Bible study.

I thought to myself, man, if I can be this happy in here serving God, I want to go out there and serve him.

The Fall

I wish I could tell you that's where all the nonsense stopped, and I repented, and never turned away from the Lord. But that wouldn't be the truth.

I'm doing youth ministry, connected with churches in Orange County. There's this guy that I really look up to - he's a pastor, an attorney, this idea of what I always thought the successful guy was.

This guy ended up falling hard. I got the call that he had some type of mental episode, went into his law firm, killed his partners, then turned the gun on himself and killed himself.

A lot of my support and what I thought about myself came from this other guy. When he fell, it sent me into a spiral of disbelief. I started to question everything - my calling, if I was in the right place, if I really was called to ministry.

The truth is, like a dog returns to his vomit, I still had this desire to go back to sin. I was dating an atheist girl who wasn't supporting my beliefs. It just sent me into this tailspin.

Running from God

I had this idea that I just disqualified myself for ministry. I would come across verses in the scriptures that would say, if you take your hand away from the plow, then you're not fit. So I just started running as fast as I could away from God. And it just led me into witchcraft. Just horrible stuff.

I go headlong into ancestral worship. I had been introduced in prison to Asatru, which is the belief of the Norse gods.

Even though I stepped away from carnal appetites - wanting sex, alcohol, drugs, wanting to run my own life - because I still had those desires, I jumped headlong into those. The ancestral worship, the witchcraft was really just a means to gratify what I wanted.

The crazy thing is that the spirits do talk to you. There would be times when I'd be doing tarot card readings, getting voices in my head, and I could tell somebody, "you were in Yuma last month." "How do you know about Yuma, Arizona? I'm in Kansas City, Missouri."

The devil will bring supportive information to falsify the lie that you're believing.

Complete Mental Breakdown

What I experienced was insanity. I was literally losing my mind. What I lost was that grip on reality. Everything was jumbled. I really was this close to pushing a shopping cart, talking to myself.

It's as simple as you walk into a room and you see a pile of clothes on your couch, and you think someone's laying on your couch.

Demonic activity, drugs, psychosis, sorcery - which is really all related - can absolutely take over your mind. It just got worse and worse and worse. Finally, the only way that I could get back to my sanity was to call out to the Lord.

I reached a place of suicide. I had relapsed so many times on drugs. I was now doing meth, which I said I would never do. I was 140. This thought of suicide crept into my mind-that I was a runaway train. And the best thing that I could do was tell people to just get out of the way.

But the good news is that there is a seed that was planted long ago. I just remembered that somewhere back in the beginning, I had hope. And so I cried out. And God heard my prayer.

Two days later, my mom, who lives in California, ended up knocking on my apartment door in Kansas City. She was in shock. I've got altars all over the place, ancestral runes written in blood around my room. But somehow God relayed a message to my mom that I needed help, and she answered.

The Long Road Back

Even though I had gotten clean, even though I had restoration with my family, I still hadn't killed that part of me that wanted to do drugs. I can remember being in North San Diego County, in an area where there is no meth. I remembered this way of chanting. I remembered that if I would chant, that Satan would literally bring me stuff that I needed.

I was walking down the street chanting, and all of a sudden I see this beat-up truck. I just knew - this is the guy. I made eye contact with him. He leaned over to open the door. I've never met this guy, but I sit in that truck and two seconds later it was, "do you want to get high?" That led me into the last run of my life.

I stole a U-Haul, running back and forth between the border. I'm really out of sorts mentally, cognitively. I thought helicopters were following me. I walked the streets for a couple more days until I really lost it. I remember not knowing whether it was day or night, not knowing who I was, how old I was.

I went into Foothills Church off of Bradley. There was a guy named Matt. I came to the church in dirty clothes, out of my mind. He just took time to talk to me.

Recovery and Restoration

They took me to ECTLC (East County Transitional Living Center) the next morning. I was one of the worst guys when I came in. ECTLC is a Christian organization with Bible studies and life skills - boundaries, communication. For those of us suffering from addiction or mental health issues, we don't really have those cognitive skills. We really have a multifaceted approach for recovery.

And I remember the last time I came back to God, I entered into ETLC. I just made a vow that I wasn't going to reach out to my family. You know, I've disappointed them so many times. I'm not even going to do that. And I remembered I was praying for a pair of work boots because this is a work therapy ministry. And so I remembered I was at Boulevard. I really needed a pair of boots. And I remember I got a package from my mom, and that was a sign like, you're on the right track. Just keep following me and I'll bring everything that's necessary.

Where I Am Today

My relationship with my mom today couldn't be better. She loves the Lord. My brother is the complete opposite. My brother played professional baseball for 3 or 4 seasons. He was responsible. But we have a great relationship. I see them 2 or 3 times a year. And we have the best fellowship. You know, we wake up. We usually turn on a Bible study. And we just talk about the Lord. And we're laughing. You know, we're crying. We're just having these awesome moments. And it's all because of God's restoration.

I am program manager at ETLC. As I minister to people that were in the same place as me, my life has never been as full. I've never had as much influence. I've never had as much respect. You know, people come to me, they trust me. I represent people now. I go to court with people like I'm their representation. That's crazy. You know. So God has really given me back everything and more.

And for me, it's perfect because I can tell you every single way on how to mess up relationships. You know, you're a pastor? I messed that one up. Youth pastor? I messed that one up. So for me, I've messed up in so many areas. I can help anybody, right? Wherever you're messing up, I can kind of point you in the right direction. So for me, I feel like God uniquely called me here at ECTLC.

Full Circle

There were so many times in my life when I was trying to make sense of things. You know, I thought I was supposed to be a pastor here, and it didn't happen. You know, I thought I was supposed to be a YouTuber here, and it didn't happen. And so, for a huge part of my life, I was trying to make sense of everything. But now I can honestly say that my life makes sense. 

I worked for Staples and I get fired. And I never understood why I worked at Staples? And now that I'm the program director, I understand where that management experience went, what that was, because the things that I learned that I thought that I lost, God has brought all of that full circle. The seminary that I never finished at Calvary Chapel School of Ministry? Now I have a backing and an idea of where I want to teach Bible studies when I teach the guys.

So there's different areas of my life where I thought they were a waste of time. But actually, God was just waiting to redeem those areas. It's remarkable that I always thought I was on the wrong track, and then I realized I'm on the right track the whole time. 

My Message to You

For the person that's in my shoes before they came back to Christ, maybe they're still in the addiction, my number one piece of advice would be to sell out. You know that what you're doing isn't working. And so it's going to take radical change. It might be coming to a place like ECTLC. It might be going to the crossroads mission in Yuma. I don't know where you're at, but I do know that there is a place where you can go.

And so I feel that it's not too late. You know, if you still have breath in your lungs, you still have a shot. And so I just give you that encouragement. The Lord says that he doesn't cast away anybody that seeks him. And so if you'll just seek the Lord, man, he'll make a way for you to get there.